It’s been a few weeks since I posted about tying myself up now, even if I’ve managed to keep up with my art presentations. I haven’t been living in a monastery since, but some things got complicated and I needed to sort some things out, both with myself and with some other concerned parties.
First, I suck at writing selftie reports. I tend to babble, sometimes taking longer time to write the report than the actual event I report took playing out. This sometimes becomes a distraction and a stress, especially weeknights when I have indulged in after work selfties, when I’m really drained and need to go to bed. This actually spoils some of the fun. I have tried to come up with a report template that is supposed to rein me in, preventing me from trying to write the next grand selftie novel, à lá “War and Peace” with over 1200 pages, by Russian author Leo Tolstoy. What I’ve come up with is pretty dull, but at least it tells the facts, while trying to keep my adjectives and emotional gibberish to a minimum.
Second, my blog was originally planned to be an anonymous outlet, but by now, there is a handful of people reading it who also know my real identity. These are people I trust, but I also know that people and circumstances can change. Therefore, I need to rein in not just how I write but also what I write, to protect both myself and some other people that may pop up in my texts, since they would be a lot easier to identify if my identity is known. I actually have made some minor changes to a few texts I had already published, to cover this, and for now both I and the persons involved are good with it.
My after work selftie sessions should be OK to write about, since they usually just involve myself, and with the new terse format I have tried to create for them, there should be a minimum of information for anyone trying to track me down. My weekend sessions are more complicated, since lately they have tended to involve others as well, so for now I probably won’t write about them, at least not before I have come up with a way to do it that don’t jeopardize the people involved.
My present status is I’m still single, but have a somewhat regular sex life with myself, and sometimes get novel ideas and even a helping hand from some people in my vicinity. I had serious doubts about the selftying thing, after having been reminded of the vast difference compared to being tied up and played with by someone else. The difference is still there, but the simple fact is I need the thrill of helplessness and what goes with it more often than my present life permits, if I was to rely on others for it. So, even if I’m lucky enough to get “the real thing” every now and then, I need to fill in some in-between.
A friend suggested I should set up a selftie webcam show, to both solve the problem with the excess time it takes writing reports about my play, and to have the thrill of being exposed to and partly at the mercy of others. I admit, the idea actually has some merits, and some of my own fantasies have been along that line, but I doubt many would find it worth neither the time nor the money to watch more or less stills of someone writhing helplessly tied up, waiting for a release timer for hours, even if they would be able to pay tokens to e.g. buzz her with vibes or electricity every now and then. Also, at present, it feels like taking things a bit too far and taking too big risks. I could just imagine the lovely scene at work where some colleague brings it up “Hey, I saw some kinky flick on the Internet with some crazy, masked chick reminding a lot about you, acting it out in a place looking just like your bedroom…” And no, my bedroom isn’t a public space, but I have had parties at home where I haven’t sealed off rooms, since I usually keep them tidy and “innocent”.
Another suggestion was to start attending play parties at local BDSM clubs regularly. Once upon a time, I actually was involved in such a club, although not so much with the play part, but I wouldn’t be all keen on running into a neighbor or colleague in such a place, especially not if I was in an embarrassing situation. I save that for when I’m travelling and the risk of running into people I know from home is much smaller. Actually, I don’t even need a club to take the chance to freak out some when I’m travelling, and tying myself up in a hotel room, away from the safety of known environments but still reasonably protected, room service as an embarrassing rescue option included if things should go wrong, is both a real life thrill and an ingredient in some of my fantasies.
The BDSM club suggestion also included the chance of meeting someone there who could become a regular partner, but one of the main reasons I stopped attending such events was because I ran into way too may people there I wasn’t comfortable with. I met a fair number of psychopaths, pretenders, “orthodoxes” loving to slap labels on people and then scorning them for not “living up” to those labels, people looking mainly for an identity or group belonging, inexperienced looking for teachers, submissives acting as dominants hoping to convert any catch, lazy people looking for slaves to do all their chores, vanillas believing submissives are undemanding fucks, amateur psychologists trying to analyze childhood traumas as reasons for any kinks, and a few other variants, most having huge problems with someone like me who simply enjoyed being tied up and helpless without fitting into any of the accepted standard categories of “slave” or “submissive”. The best label they could slap on me was usually “toy”, but that has a somewhat derogatory meaning to many of them, and also implies a lot more unpretentiousness than I sport. Admitted, I actually met some great people that way also, but as far as partners go, those were all occupied already, and I’m neither much for trying to steal other people’s partners, nor for being another number in a harem.
So for now, I’ll continue as is, playing my lonely after work selftying games weekdays, probably mainly Mondays and Thursdays, since those are the afternoons and evenings I usually have the least interference from the rest of my life, and a bit more elaborate schemes, sometimes involving others, in the weekends, if my mood and the situation is right. Oh, and “Master Dice”, my selftying dice game, has been taking to grace again, simply because I often don’t have the energy and imagination to come up with anything better than “His” suggestions about how to mess myself up.