Cancelled session, Saturday 2022-02-12

Sometimes I really hate my body. I woke up this morning, in the middle of very sexual, brutal and scary dream, heart pounding, slightly nauseous from what I just had been through in the dream, but still very hot and wet. I had a blind date planned today, and I guess that helped fuel the dream since I suspected it could get pretty intense, and the dream really put me in the mood for it. So, I was not happy when I found my monthly had started earlier than expected and that the session was a no-no.

I felt really bad about it, not just from my own disappointment but also from having to stand the guy up, even if I didn’t even know who he was. I texted my friend, who had helped arrange things, with the circumstances and was at least a bit relieved when she responded a couple of hours later that the guy had agreed to re-schedule to next Saturday.

I know we girls are supposed to be totally non-sexual during our monthly, but my body and mind haven’t quite accepted that. Usually, I’m at my horniest just before and the first day or days, and both my pain tolerance and desire for real rough play is at a peak then. Still, I guess I’m taught good enough by culture that’s a no-no, so I’ve never felt comfortable playing then, even when I’ve had a partner who had no problem with it, and even despite I’ve had it proved to me that I function at least as good as usual then when being tied up and helpless by a very insistent partner have left me no other option than to endure and enjoy what I was subjected to, despite my condition.

I know it’s kind of silly, because my body is a lot more than that orifice between my legs, and with a plug in, everything else is just as available and functional as usual, but especially with a first date, I don’t want to present myself that way. I actually had one guy almost faint on me when we both discovered it had started right in the middle of our play, and it was no fun at all, so I’m not very eager to experience that again.

Even if I avoid playing, at least with others, my sexual dreams and fantasies are usually the most vivid, intense, wild, brutal and still arousing during that time. If I hadn’t been so disappointed and felt so bad this morning, I probably would have spent some time in bed “comforting” myself after the horrific dream and the state it left me in. As was now, the circumstances kind of ruined that desire.

I have sometimes wondered how my friends come across the guys they set me up with. I know they are still active “in the scene”, i.e. that they still visit clubs for people into kink and BDSM rather frequently, but the guys they have set me up with so far differ quite a bit from most of the guys I met while I was more active in visiting such clubs. Actually, much of the reason I gave up “the scene” was because I met very few there that I felt attracted to or comfortable with.

I think that’s the main reasons I have appreciated my blind dates so far, that they behave in a way that make me feel comfortable. They seem to know what they do and what they want, and they see to that they get it, but still with some regard for my wellbeing too. Also, they seem pretty relaxed about it, without any attempts to live up to some stereotype of a “dominant” or “master”, no noticeable role play and no fetish clothing or other attributes. That way, I feel safe with them, and not safe in the over-protected boring sense but in the “things will (eventually) be OK” sense. So far, I haven’t regretted any of the blind dates, and I don’t think I would say no to a second go with any of them, even if I would be a bit more nervous with some of them than with others.

Sure, there have been a few mishaps, which have been either a bit unnecessarily painful or uncomfortable, or hilarious enough to leave me giggling, or both, but they haven’t ruined the over-all experience. I have also added a few minor, but probably permanent, marks to my trophy board, in some cases without even noticing when I got them. It is nothing that I desire, but it is nothing that I go ballistic over neither. In terms of injury, pain and scars, I’ve actually had worse mishaps from boating, cooking, cycling, horse-riding and running. However, I’ve left those mishaps out of my reports out of respect for the guys who really do their best and do great when playing with me, even if everything don’t go as planned.

Still, I wonder where all those guys were when I was more active “in the scene” myself. I seemed to be great at running into the ones who were psychopaths, know-it-alls, pretenders, seekers for identity or group belonging, role-players, wannabes, newbies and quite a few submissives claiming to be dominants just to find some girl into kink which they hoped to be able to convert into dominant. Compiling it like that, I’m beginning to see why I’m single. I guess I’m rather picky, and those are just the issues when it comes to being tied up and played with. Don’t even get me started on the issues with general sex and relationships. Even if I admit I have felt genuinely attracted to some of my blind dates, I am experienced enough to know that great sex or play is no guarantee for a full relationship to work well, but still, it may be a good start.

Anyway, I’m happy to get the great play I am getting now, and I am happy for my re-scheduled date next Saturday, even if I’m also a bit nervous. Since I suspect it can get pretty intense, it probably would have been better if I could have squeezed it in before my monthly, when my pain tolerance and desire for rough play is peaking, but I’m sure I will get through it anyway. Like if I had much choice when I’m hopefully helplessly tied up and in the claws of some brute that takes anything and everything he wants.

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