My phone beeped a while ago, with a text from my informed friend who is my backup in case something would go wrong when tying myself up “U ok?”. I had informed her I’d be off the selftying train the last couple of weeks because of the monthly call of nature and the conference last week, but she obviously expected me to continue as usual today. I guess I should be touched and grateful by her concern, but tonight I was not really in the mood to be chatty, so I answered her about as short as she often is “Yes”. She bounced back about equally fast and short “Not busy?” and I felt she was a bit too nosy, responding again about as short “No”. Her response was “U want talk?” and I guess i was about as snippy as you can manage with an absolute minimum of words “No”. I felt guilty and ashamed when I got a really wordy response from her “Ok but if u need i can b more than ur spare key”. Still, I really wasn’t in the mood, so I tried to be a bit more polite “Thank you, I really appreciate it, but not at the moment.” I think she got the message, from her response “Ok we r good”.
The truth is, I don’t know how OK I am. I guess I should feel very OK after my wonderful adventures around the conference last week, and I still have plenty of marks to prove it. But, it also reminded me about the huge difference between tying myself up and the real thing, i.e. being really helpless at the hands of someone else, without knowing what to expect. I guess I’ve spent much of the past few years trying to forget and repress that, until I finally believed that tying myself up was an OK substitute for someone else doing it and controlling me. It also reminded me of how much “the human touch” can mean, and that no matter how efficient a dildo can be in driving you sexually crazy, sometimes just intimate proximity with another body and a warm hug can be a lot more powerful.
Anyway, it put me out of the mood to let the imaginary “Master Dice” do “his” thing to me, and made the whole idea seem pretty silly and pathetic. Maybe it’s just a temporary dip, and maybe I just need another few years to forget and suppress a few things before I again realize what a great concept tying up myself and pretending someone else is in charge really is. The problem meanwhile is I still have some needs. It’s not even a week since I got my last good going over, and already my dreams are pure sexual horror, making me wake up, sometimes in the middle of the night, in both panic and cold sweat, and so much heat my thighs are wet almost down to my knees.
“OK, so if the girl is in so much need, why don’t she simply go out and pick a guy up???” Yeah, right, worked great the last few times. NOT! I might need to develop my masochism a bit further before I can really enjoy either a guy who I really love and believe I can trust with my life, just to find out he deceives me, cheats on me and elopes with who I thought was my best friend, a full-blown psychopath who don’t care if I end up in emergency care or worse, as long as he gets his fun, or someone assuring me of his never-dying love for me, and about a dozen or more other girls, possibly the appropriate harem size in his home country, just to cover his bets on getting a residence permit. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and don’t need another one.
The simple fact is, the good ones are all taken, and I don’t want to lower myself to trying to steal them. And, I’m not taken, so I’m not a good one, despite what some people say and want to believe about me. Sometimes I think that having a hole and decent-sized boobs is what it takes to charm most guys into believing you’re the best things since sliced bread, putting both the Virgin Mary and Mother Teresa to shame. Actually, I may not deliberately try to wreck havoc on people’s lives, but I’ve discovered I have quite a talent for it anyway. So, both for my own and others’ sake, I try to keep acting the nun, a pretty kinky nun perhaps, but still a nun.
Sorry, not very sexy whining, I know. But I guess I used the feeling of needing to explain some things as an excuse to blow a lot of steam as well. It won’t happen again, at least not until my next post. I may not be very frequent with self tying reports in the near future, but I’ll try and post some more “art analyses” at least, and might discover something else to whine about to stuff a few more posts.